SERIOUS~ALTERNATE~STUPID …and speaking of unmitigated assholes, Ryan McPherson, Zachary Bubeck and Daniel Tanner - the delightful trio of affluent youngsters who brought the world the direct-to-video "ruckus" number one hit classic BUMFIGHTS - have been sentenced to probation and a small fine for paying homeless people to beat the shit out of each other on camera, among other stunts. Yer old pal Jerky actually purchased a copy of this video, and now that the damn thing isn't being sold anymore, he sorta regrets tossing it in the trash after first viewing it. Now, the videotapes already in circulation are destined to become prized collector's items, handed down from generation to generation so that an ever-new audience of appreciative ruckus connoisseurs can enjoy watching smug young thugs trick society's most downtrodden citizens into drinking bottles of urine while simultaneously setting their hair on fire. Actually... on second thought, I don't regret tossing that piece of shit. Is Mister Winkle the "cutest dog in the universe," as his proud owner claims? Or is he just the gayest? What's that? Do I mean the dog or the owner? How about both? Or neither? Yer old pal Jerky thinks he's gonna let YOU be the judge on this one! Vietnamese fashion model Vo Thi Thu Tram probably won't be in a mood to celebrate Mother's Day next year. According to Tien Phong police, Vo's mom, feeling "spurned," snuck uo on her sleeping daughter and poured a wok-full of boiling cooking oil over her face, burning the skin down to the bone. "This will almost certainly put an end to her modeling career," a hilariously shallow doctor at the hospital where Tram has been receiving treatment told the Vietnamese press. The cops say Mom did the dirty deed for two reasons. First, she wanted to teach her daughter a lesson for not being sufficiently appreciative of everything Mommy Dearest had done for her in the past, and second, she wanted Vo to return to the family fold, and realized she would never do so as long as she was earning a glamorous living on the top fashion runways. Something tells yer old pal Jerky this crazy-ass psycho-bitch was never exposed to the gentle, child-rearing wisdom of Dr. Benjamin Spock. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 25 On this day in 1630, Governor Winthrop (don't ask me what he's governor of) introduces the fork to America's dinner tables. Previously, of course, all Americans - including natives - ate with knives, chop-sticks and cat-ribs. On this day in 1876, General George Custer and 263 members of his 7th Cavalry are totally wiped out by the combined forces of the Sioux and Cheyenne tribes at Little Bighorn, inspiring the second worst novelty song of all time, #1 hit Mr. Custer by Larry Verne (Era Records, 1960). On this day in 1798, the then-Federalist USG passes the first part of the so-called Alien and Sedition Acts. Read this article to see how many disturbing modern-day parallels you can spot.

THEY SAID IT! "There was a concerted effort during the fall of 2001, starting immediately after 9/11, to pin 9/11 and the terrorism problem on Saddam Hussein... It came from the White House, it came from people around the White House. It came from all over. I got a call on 9/11. I was on CNN, and I got a call at my home saying, 'You got to say this is connected. This is state-sponsored terrorism. This has to be connected to Saddam Hussein.' I said, 'But -- I'm willing to say it, but what's your evidence?' And I never got any evidence." - This Sunday on NBC's formerly credible political chat show Meet the Press, former General Wesley Clark informs the utterly useless Tim Russert that the White House was pushing public figures to connect the terrorist attacks to Saddam Hussein's regime in Iraq, before the last fucking piece of Twin Towers rubble had even hit the fucking ground. Of course, Russert moved on to another, more important and timely topic (Monica's dress, perhaps?), and none of the mainstream papers picked up on the rather incredible revelation, which makes clear one thing: That this cabal of blood-drinking ghouls who have hijacked democracy in America need to go. And they need to go sooner rather than later. *** *** *** "I can eat anything. I come from a whole family of big eaters... My grandmother is a couple of hundred pounds overweight. I can eat a lot of food. A lot." - Angela Daniel was pretty confident that she would be able to polish off one of those infamous 72 oz sirloins they serve at Amarillo's own long-standing institution of fine eating, the Big Texan Steak Ranch. If successful, she would be getting her fifty bucks back, as well as earning a coveted place on the restaurant's "wall of honor." Will a 135 lbs woman be able to eat a steak the size of a bath-mat?! Click here to find out what happened.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal D.C. Weaver... A man stopped a woman on the street and asked her if she would sleep with him for $1,000,000. She said: "For that kind of money? Yes I would, actually." He then said: "Would you sleep with me for $20?" She replied: "What kind of girl do you think I am?!" He answered: "We have already established what kind of girl you are, madam. Now, we are merely haggling over the price." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Eric for sending in today's second joke. One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a dead man with a golf ball at his feet. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY The Reverend Vitamin Jones sent in this horrible joke. Q: What's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage? A: You can't eat a train carriage!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey, Jerkie: I was just wondering... Seems to me that all the conspiracies and underlying lies, half-known truths, and urban legends out there are pretty confusing... each by itself. But, (and I don't pretend to be having an orginal thought, here) what if some logical minds got connected and put these little pieces together? Like a jigsaw puzzle, wouldn't a big picture start to come through? Are the leaders of this world (and I'm not talking about the visible ones!) so omnipotent that they must be doing things that we can't even fathom? I am constantly impressed by your ability to pull out of the dusty achives some obscure article that relates to your sermons, so why not put together a "world-watch think tank" where a basic idea of what the "fat cats" are planning to do with the rest of us cattle, and allow all to read it and either offer evidence to back it, or arguement to try to break whatever theory present? Eventually, putting enough evidence together from all that is known to have happened throughout the world over the last century or so, a reasonably accurate picture should be able to be drawn, no? Then again, maybe I've been reading too much Stephen King. Signed: The Future at Face Value? Dear FAF-V; Most of the so-called "Grand Unified Conspiracy Theories" - and there are a ton of them - tend to veer off into black-helicopter/alternate-dimension/little-grey-men territory. Ironically, this is, itself, the result of a conspiracy by The Powers That Be to make those who oppose them seem ridiculous by tarring them with the "loonie" or "conspiracy theorist" rubric. Here's how it works. Say a "legitimate" researcher is getting a little too close to the truth. Say that researcher is too well known to simply "do away with," unlike our poor old dearly departed pals Danny Casolaro or Steve Kangas. Well then, all you have to do is simply flood the information market with garbage information that closely resembles the truths which those legitimate researchers are starting to sniff out, and tie it to some patently ridiculous bullshit. The "No Plane Hit the Pentagon" crap - a textbook case of professional disinformation if yer old pal Jerky ever saw one - is a chilling case in point. And if you want to know how effective (ie, damaging) such disinformation erruptions can be, you need look no further than the "We Never Went to the Moon" theory recently vectored into the population at large via FOX TV, one of the greatest memepool poluters in the history of mass media. The end result of this disinformation push has been that, currently, more than one in five Americans believe we never walked on the moon. So, if you've ever wondered how it's possible that half of all Americans believe (erroneously) that Saddam Hussein was behind the terrorist attacks of 9/11... stop wondering. It's obvious, and it's been obvious for a while now. Anyway, yer old pal Jerky is still hard at work on a much longer piece that he might try to get published as a book or something in the very near future, so keep your eyes peeled. In the meantime, suffice it to say that if you don't believe in conspiracy theory, what are you left with? Coincidence theory! You have to believe that all this shit falls together in just the right way to benefit the same bunch of evil fuckers, all the way down the line, time and time again. And is that really any more reasonable - or less ridiculous - than suggesting that there's a signifigant amount of collusion going on at the topmost levels of society? Read this amazing article, combine it with the information you can gleen from this website, and you'll have a tiny taste of what yer old pal Jerky is worrying about these days.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: MASONIC STUFF! Care of: Ben Why did the Masons blackball you, Jerky? I am a brother in the Masonic fraternity, and I know that I enjoy reading your commentary. I don't always agree with everything, but I can appreciate it. I also appreciate the patience you exercise in dealing with the number of frustrating emails you undoubtedly receive. Just remember two of the important mottos of Freemasonry. 1) We take good men and make them better men. No one is expected to be, or even believed capable of being perfect. As long as you make every effort to live a good life and help those you can. 2) To be one, ask one. Putting your desire out there like you've done, is the first step to achieving this, if its really what you're seeking. Of course, you may just be dryly insulting the fraternity. You may be one who buys into the conspiranoiac theories about the Masons. Some part of me just can't believe that though. I subscribe to a lot of your opinions, and I have faith that the fact you make so much effort to educate yourself keeps you from passing judgement without knowing any of the facts. The reason early government was so influenced by Freemasonry is mainly because it was where a man could learn skills that helped them get ahead in government. Things like public speaking, community involvement, and networking skills. There weren't many institutions of higher learning in the colonies at that time, and the brotherhood filled that void. It is not occultism, and it is not Luciferian. - Ben [Thanks for the interesting offer, Ben, but yer old pal Jerky is more of a Weishaupt kinda guy. So if there are any Illuminated Ones out there who can get me in through the back door without too much fuss and muss... drop me a line! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com