SPIES AND LIES AND AMERICAN THIGHS OUR FIRST FILLER EDITION OF THE YEAR! On March 16 in the year 1968, the men of Charlie Company under the command of Lt. William Calley carve a bloody path of horror through the tiny Vietnamese hamlet of My Lai. After two hours of slaughter, over 400 civilians -- mostly women, children and the elderly -- lay dead in heaps among the smoldering ruins of their village. Amid the carnage on that shameful day, three men proved that the righteous pay allegiance to no flag: helicopter pilot Hugh Thompson Jnr, door gunner Lawrence Colburn and crewman Glenn Andreotta did their country proud by landing their chopper between a group of terrified children and some rampaging soldiers, threatening to gun them down if they continued their pursuit. It would take thirty years before these three men's courage received official recognition. Last week, Thompson died of cancer at the age of 62. Now more than ever, America can't afford to forget his honorable example. In what seems to be an attempt to create an animal so disgusting even Asians won't eat it, scientists in Taiwan have bred fluorescent green pigs that glow in the dark. They achieved this miraculous atrocity by injecting swine embryos with DNA from luminescent jellyfish. Hmmm... that sounds suspiciously like the last few chapters of yer old pal Jerky's so-called "love life". Still on the fence as to whether or not clowns are the living embodiement of all that is dark and evil in the world? Well then, consider the tale of Jazzbo, the cocaine-snorting, drunk-driving, ex-girlfriend-beating party clown. In a stunning blow to the pro-life movement, an Arizona court has declared that unborn children do not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the carpool lane. Where will it end? Fetal death camps?! If, as the old saw goes, "you are what you eat" (minus what you shit), then it stands to reason that the same holds true for the creatures that make up your diet. And if the creatures that make up your diet happen to eat chicken feces, what does that make you, exactly? How the hell did I miss this holiday special? In the wake of revelations early this week that the National Security Agency had engaged in surveillance/harassment of the Quaker-connected Baltimore Pledge of Resistance peace group -- going so far as to file quarter-hourly reports on members' movements, the slogans on their protest signs, and the content of their balloons (turns out it was helium) -- yesterday's sworn testimony by 20-year NSA veteran-turned-whistleblower Russell Tice should come as no surprise. Tice, who was fired from the NSA in May of 2005 after publicly calling for greater protections for government whistleblowers, claims that the technology currently exists to algorithmically process and analyze every telephone call made by Americans; incoming, outgoing or domestic. He also detailed the above-the-law attitude that prevailed at the org in the wake of the terrorist attacks of September 11. Stay tuned to the Dirt for more on this developing story. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 12 On this day in 1969, Led Zeppelin's first album is unleashed upon an unsuspecting public. Check out the killer set: the boistrous Good Times, Bad Times; the intense and passionate Babe I'm Gonna Leave You; the perverse blues vamp You Shook Me; the threatening, ominous Dazed And Confused; the misogynistic Your Time Is Gonna Come; the mystical Black Mountain Side; the blistering Communication Breakdown; the languorous I Can't Quit You Baby; the thundering How Many More Times... Has any other hard rock album ever approached this level of awesomeness since then? I can't think of one. On this day in 1994, the daughter of Malcolm X is arrested for plotting to murder Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. Police actually found out about the plot a week earlier, but it took them a while to decide whether to arrest her or assist her. On this day in 1995, gridiron legend OJ Simpson's murder trial gets under way in Los Angeles. Idiocy ensues. On this day in 1997, figure skater Oksana Baiul knocks back a few drinks and decides to see if she can't replicate some of her more complicated skating moves on the icy streets of New York… with her car. Turns out she can't!

THEY SAID IT! "I don't know what kind of vote you're going to get, but you'll make it through. It's possible you could talk me out of voting for you, but I doubt it. So I won't even try to challenge you along those lines." - It should come as no surprise that Senator Lindsay Graham (R-Homo) already has his mind made up about Samuel Alito. After all, he's such a big fan of the Supreme Court nominee that he was willing to break the law just to coach the son-of-a-bitch, ahead of time. *** **** *** "It's one thing to have a philosophical difference -- and I can understand people being abhorrent about war. War is terrible. But one way people can help as we're coming down the pike in the 2006 elections is remember the effect that rhetoric can have on our troops in harm's way, and the effect that rhetoric can have in emboldening or weakening an enemy." - Once again, Preznit Dubya warns Americans to watch their mouths.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Henry Bent! During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, 0ne by one "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Glenn C for sending in today's second joke. Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me." The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass." The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that hot buttered corn!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by DMZ. Preznit Dubya and Jeff Gannon walk into a bar. Gannon looks at Bush, smiles, and says, "CAN I PUSH YOUR STOOL IN?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ALITO HEARINGS A TOTAL FARCE care of: Jack Frost Jerky - Shit, man, these Alito Confirmation Hearings are fucking maddening. The Republicans have been falling over one another to see who could give Alito the best handjob. Most of them aren't even using their time to ask questions, but instead pontificate on just how much the people Republican Senator X has been talking to just lovelovelove Good Ol' Alito, or rebut the questions asked by the previous Democrat, often with some pretty spurious arguments. And it's sickening to watch them act like Alito's a clean slate that they wouldn't want to taint by asking him questions on subjects that might come before the court. So they expect us to swallow that this guy, once he's on the Supreme Court, will suddenly go against a track record he's shown his entire fucking career - not bloody likely. Lindsey Graham (R-Short Cocksucker) crafts arguments based on clearly rehearsed questions (and Graham's a bad actor) he almost literally leads Alito through that have a very narrow set of answers, even giving Alito the answers when he's just stumped. Answers that are the twigs with which Graham builds his Straw Man. He then knocks it down claiming that his concoction represents a justification of Alito's scary track record, and explains away any problems with that record as partisan grandstanding - the Congressional equivalent of the Jedi Mind Trick or at the very least the Chewbacca Defense. Others have adopted similar styles, I forget the Senator that employed it, but the basic gist started with the question 'Does Congress have any power that is unreviewed by the other two branches?' Alito ums a couple of times and meekly offers that Congress, having the power of the purse, could choose to kill any program but cutting its funding. Next: 'Does the Supreme Court have any powers that are unreviewed by the other two branches?' Alito confidently answers that Supreme Court decisions are not reviewed with a bit of a satisfied smirk. And, inevitably: 'Does the President have any powers that are unreviewed by the other two branches?' Alito mentioned that the veto was unreviewable and then quickly added that Presidential pardons were also unreviewable. 'Well, now, see? It's not so frightening that there are unchecked powers in government, is it?' This made me roll my eyes as much as Alito's wife leaving the room in tears because her husband was 'being attacked'. *Sigh* And while I applaud Senators like Russ Feingold who grilled Alito pretty sharply over how he'd rule in the case of the President breaking the FISA law (Alito's responses will predictably vague), but others are wasting a lot of time with the Roe v. Wade red herring. Look, people it's pretty simple: The busybody, know-what's-best-for-you kooks that contribute money to anti-abortion causes and candidates have made that cash cow far too lucrative to slaughter now. The argument is kept alive purely for spectacle so the kooks will continue to cycle in donations. Thank You. Spend more time asking him why he okayed the strip search of a 10-year-old girl ferfucksake! Or more about the fact that he's not willing to recuse himself from cases where he has financial conflicts of interest, follow the money maybe. Maybe see if you can get him to explain more about why he almost consistently sides with power, putting an undue burden on the little guy. Make more of the fact that he's sexist bigot, I dunno, anything but abortion. And the callers into C-SPAN aren't much help either adding very little of relevance. I'm convinced that the people who call in on the Republican lines are Freepers choreographing the calls. Every Republican supporter it seems is on message with the RNC talking points. Y'know the ones: 'I just can't believe how disgraceful the Democrats are, attacking this nice man.'; 'Alito has been very forthcoming with his answers and he's completely qualified.'; 'You can tell some of those Democrats are just being difficult and no matter what Alito says they've already made up their minds.' (said of course without acknowledging that the Republicans' predetermined support is just as bad); and 'Ted Kennedy is a murderer.', with my favorite variation on that one being the woman who called and said: 'I have three words for Ted Kennedy - Mary Jo Kopechne. *click*' Whatever, it's probably all just spectacle anyway and they'll confirm this asshole - I'm convinced that even that douchebag Biden'll vote for him - and we'll have him for life. And then there'll be those who'll act bewildered when this guy does exactly what we all know he'll do. - Jack Frost [Yup. Pretty much. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hello Jerky, Yes the thoughts of Steven Harper as Prime Minister are indeed looming large lately and it is a scarey thought especially when one lives in the Maritimes. I think that what is driving this Conservative movement are the following factors: 1. The Liberals have been in for so long that they are rotten to the core and have to be heaved out to cleanse the system. 2. The Liberal leader Paul Martin is looking like a man who is realising that his memory is beginning to fail him and people smell blood in the water. 3. Quebec left 20 years ago and we are sick of kissing their ass. 4. The Liberals know all of the above and have decided to toss the election knowing that the voters will quickly tire of the Conservatives and the break will give them time to toss Paul regroup and let the Conservatives take the blame for Quebec's official inevitable departure. No danger of a Bush like admin here. The folks here hate Bush so just sit tight while we straighten this thing out and you will have a safe place to hide when they come for ya. Keep up the great commentary. Regards, William White [Sad, sad, sad. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Still enjoying your site. Particularly impressed with the 'targetted' ads in the porn column (see excerpt from Tues Jan 10, 2006 below) - abk [Dude... Good eye! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dearest Jerky My wife and I love to have sex with other men. I mean, she has sex with other men while I watch and kiss her. I just thought I was wierd, but I found out there's a bunch of others like me. Yahoo Adult Communities on line has the Hot Wife Forum. Also the cuckold forum for wimps. If she enjoys it, and I enjoy it, and the other guys enjoy it, is it wrong to share your wife? She never got wild in high school, married one man and was faithfull for 18 years. Now she's 37 and going wild, in her sexual prime. Is it wrong? Roegster [HELL no! - Jerky] *** **** *** Heyo Jerky Come on Jerky ,just admit it! Ya love that South Park as much as I do. Have ya seen Team America?? From the same pool of Canadian comedic talent. Really takes the piss out'a the "American" hero thing. You will LYFAO! Durka durka. YOP Simon [South Park, Canadian? WTF are you talking about? - Jerky] *** **** *** mopj, man, i think i fucked that woman in the uglitron pic you have running now, it was either her or maybe a 5 gallon bucket of warm water, in the dark its hard to tell sometimes. though she may not be disgustingly ugly that hole is a nasty thing far anyone to see much less feel, god i'm so glad i've quit drinking since then. later, sniper [Take care when gazing into the abyss, lest the abyss gaze into you. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, In reference to your cola poll, have you ever heard anybody order a Jack and Pepsi? Case closed. Brummbaer [I once knew a guy whose drink of choice was rum and Diet Pepsi. I shit you not. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; After reading yesterday's dirt, I had to write... Jack Frost is so right on. I forward you allot of shit that I know seems to piss you off, but I didn't send it to you for that reason. Allot for the same reason that I also watch South Park, I send that shit to you. I see it as funny and if it wasn't for the humor part, I wouldn't even know allot of this shit was going on. Keith [Lots of people are agreeing with Jack on this one. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Hell man, that Dude Apothis is STILL around. All ya gotta do is tune into to SG1 on SciFi and he does a cameo every three weeks or so, at least. Cheers, YOPMick [Astronomers who also happen to be science fiction geeks? Who'd a thunk it?! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com